What.

everything i ever wanted

2012-01-18T22:40:00.001-05:00

There are three categories of people: the ones who live in the past, the ones who live in the future, and the ones who live in the present. People don't necessarily stay in one category for the rest of their lives, but have anybody else find it hard to live in the present?

Tragedies happen every day and can happen to anyone. It is unhealthy to be so preoccupied with the past that cannot be changed. So I've been stopping myself from dwelling too long in the past and things that are beyond my control. But what about the future? The uncertain future that is so much more manageable and within your hands. The perfect job, home, car, lifestyle, people in your life...

It wasn't recently that I started obsessing about my perfect future; my future job, my future home, my future car, and the lifestyle I would live with that girl. It wouldn't be a problem at all if she weren't so unsure about the plans I made for us, which never fails to upset me. I have also been stressing out over maintaining good marks in university, and the sad job market for my field. Even when I think happy thoughts such as being able to get a nice job after I graduate, I realized that I will be working at least 40 hours a week, and would be living like a robot on weekdays. Life just doesn't seem to sound any better as you grow older.

It took me a while, but I finally realized that I have been too preoccupied with the future to enjoy the present. The present right now, is exactly what I wanted for myself back in the past: being successful in my academics, having a job so I can buy things that I want to buy, and being in a rewarding relationship. I have achieved "the future" I wanted from the past, yet I waste so much time stressing about the next "future" that I can't even enjoy it. What would be the point of striving for this "perfect (near) future" if by the time I achieve it, I won't even let myself enjoy it?

Just a friendly reminder that you should enjoy the present if you are the type to obsess with the future.

Valentine's Day

2011-03-21T03:29:00.014-04:00

Valentine’s Day; a Hallmark holiday, a silly holiday reinforced by greeting card companies, florists and chocolatiers to rake in your money once every year…not even a holiday significant enough to receive double pay at work or have the public buildings and transit operate on holiday schedules. It makes single people who care about it feel bitter and extra lonely and it makes couples who care about it stress over having the perfect night planned out. I mean, sure it's got a bad side, but how many perfect holidays do the masses of people in North America celebrate? Somebody's always opposed to it one way or another. Traditional or not, Valentine's Day is now established as a holiday for love; it is the celebration of being together.

I'm sure you've heard it before: single friends getting together and enjoying a nice dinner to celebrate their love for their friendship. I'm not advocating for it to be about lovers showing off their love for each other but just a day to celebrate and appreciate having each other. Which brings me to my point...

It is quite frustrating to see somebody in a relationship opposing to celebrate Valentine's Day and explaining themselves by saying that it is not even a real holiday. I'm not saying they are wrong to say it is a holiday reinforced by the capitalist to take everybody's money...but if that is the part they are against then just avoid buying cards, buying flowers and buying chocolates. Skip out on any sort of present; there's no rule stating mandatory gifts or dining out. What is so wrong about having a day to celebrate being together and having each other?

So don't be so stubborn, just wish your partner a Happy Valentine's Day to show that you care. Don't act like a bitch with a stick up the ass going "We are not celebrating Valentine's Day." It may be a dumb holiday, but you are actually celebrating something you should be celebrating every day...the fact that you have each other. *vomits*

P.S - A month and a half late. Problem?

last teen year, wasted away.

2011-03-03T02:03:00.004-05:00

Turned 20 yesterday. I woke up from my bed with brand new beliefs and values. By brand new, I mean the exact opposite of some of my previous opinions on matters such as happiness, astrology, marriage, the future in general... For heaven's sake, I'm even capitalizing. I'm not sure if these thoughts are permanent, but I guess I will be re-writing on certain topics to re-justify my views again. It's hard to believe how strongly opposed I am to some of my own beliefs from 2 days ago.

the attractive piece of paper

2011-02-16T15:38:00.006-05:00

how many people still believe in marriage these days? i don't have the statistics, but from what i am seeing, there are many who do not believe in marriage, even oppose marriage and refuse marriage. "why is a piece of paper so important to you?" ...why are you so afraid of that same piece of paper? why do you dislike this piece of paper so?

as long as two people are committed and love each other, a piece of paper shouldn't make a huge difference. but perhaps it isn't the piece of paper i want. when somebody proposes, they had taken the time to evaluate the relationship; they are formally telling the other person and themselves that they are committed and is looking for a future with both of them in it. when they are standing there in front of each other, making their vows, they will begin to look at each other differently; everybody there to witness it will begin to look at them differently as well. they are no longer a half-assed couple whom swore they love each other...they are formally recognized as a pair, as two people who decided to commit themselves to the other for a lifetime.

go ahead and laugh at the thought of a lifetime or doubt the thought of a lifetime. i am aware that there is a 40% divorce rate in Canada right now. but why is that? divorce doesn't occur when problems arise in the marriage; it doesn't occur when there are money issues, when bad habits become intolerable, or even with a case of adultery...divorce occur when the two people who vowed to stay together through thick and thin, through illness and good health, decide to give up on each other and their marriage over a few hardships. it will never be marriages' fault...it would only be the people's or person's fault for being so fucking weak and giving up on the game that requires both players. it would only be their fault for being afraid that all the time and effort would end up wasted anyway.

with that said, it is true that marriage isn't for everybody. it really is unfortunate that in the modern day we are being taught to simply seek "temporary happiness" as oppose to life-long accomplishments and satisfaction. people would rather give up to avoid unhappiness and to seek a quick dose of happiness elsewhere than communicate and compromise with one another to form a stronger and fulfilling bond.

many people told me i am much too young to be thinking about marriage and life-time commitments, told me that i should focus on my education so i will be ensured a decent job in the future. but seriously, some people put their career as their top priority...i'm just one of those who place my lover at the top of the list. both career and marriages are meant to last a life-time, despite the career changes and divorces, why am i always criticized for placing career second?

so in a nutshell, i believe in marriage.

p.s - don't even start the whole BS about a career being able to feed me and a love/marriage can't. if you place career at the top, it's not like you won't value a companion at all. if i place love and marriage at the top, it's not like i won't value having a career at all.

my ambition

2011-01-10T17:43:00.005-05:00

i always wanted a steady office job sort of thing, paying me a decent salary and have set hours and a standardized list of activities i would cover in my career...namely becoming a probation officer. there aren't any surprises in terms of special projects or events within the job. no uniforms. 9-5 sort of day, and day offs on weekends possibly. nobody's supervising me on the spot, and i'm actually the authority figure for the majority of the day. i'd be able to work the day the way i want to work.

but what does a probation officer get promoted to if they've done a really good job with their work? surely to a supervising probation officer and the like...but...it's a dead-end job.

it's a really good point that she brought up, and i finally understand what she's been talking about when she told me that i lack ambition. but after thinking about it for a while, maybe our definitions for being ambitious is just different. i dream of a perfect future; i want a reliable car, a presentable home, a stable career and an enviable family. that's what i want and i will work hard to achieve it. that dead-end job i'm studying in university for will fulfill my goal of having a stable job. i am, in the end, ambitious in the definition that i am seeking and have this earnest desire to obtain my perfect future.

my world doesn't revolve around the Sun.

2010-06-27T01:21:00.006-04:00

i was aware how i tend to revolve many of my decisions around special someones, but the course enrolment thing made me double think what i'm majoring in. people think i enjoy history because i took it all throughout high school. but really...i don't. i took it because every year when it was time to pick our courses for next year again, i would ask that girl what she's taking and history would always be listed. i mean, her other courses were like french, visual arts and others that i am actually incapable of. lol, so history it was. when i had to pick courses for first year, i took mythology. it's not that i have no interest in it, but it was chosen because every time i see "greek mythology", i remember that girl telling me how she always read greek myths when she was younger. i also took business and society because she told me she's going to take a business class during her victory lap. right now...i'm working on switching to a double major so i can major in psychology along with sociology. the reason for doing so...? haha...i want to try to understand, why that girl is the way she is. sociology teaches me why societies are the way they are...but i realized i want to find out why people are the way they are more. i know, this is just an entry about school in general...and how that girl influences my area of studies. but that's the point. education is life these days...my education revolves around her, hence my life revolves around her. not exactly something to be proud of, but it's how i live my life. let me be.

for happiness!

2010-05-08T04:37:00.008-04:00

in this world we live in, we can only depend and rely on ourselves. those who are too weak will be left behind in their own misery. it is unfair, because it was designed in such a manner. traps are set up throughout the course of our lives. many, binds us with our emotions as a timed bomb is set off, ticking away as we struggle with the ropes. can we get out before it is too late? a person who is rescued by another will not learn the skills or mentality to survive on their own since soon they will simply fall into another trap. happiness; the illusion too many people strive for. we are shown happiness so we would crave it. achieving happiness relies on the existence and actions of other people besides ourselves, leading us to the risks of being hurt and conditioning us to rely on others. happiness is a trap the weak fall for. do not be weak, do not seek happiness.

SKY IS THE LIMIT! as in, there is a limit, but meh.

2010-05-05T03:13:00.006-04:00

when i see handicaps i think about how much potential they would have if they weren't so. when i read about suicides i think about how it didn't have to end that way. break ups...there was so much potential; so many 'could haves' and 'should haves' but would never be anymore.

try to notice somebody's potential early on, so you won't miss out on anything. probably the smartest way to survive in this world, acknowledging that the people around you could be the ones you need in the near future and cherish them.

but if it is too late, don't worry. there are still plenty around you, all full of potential. although it doesn't mean they're all easily accessible... IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

wake up to tomorrow.

2010-04-28T04:49:00.005-04:00

some days i feel weaker than others; today is one of those days. the ambition, the confidence, the determination from the day before all evaporated overnight. what's left is what feels like an empty shell incapable of anything besides feeling alone in this over-populated world. a real world that is full of people like myself and the rest. what are we all thinking about tonight?

there can't be a tomorrow without today. what is my tomorrow after tonight. what will all my tomorrows be like. why are we here, anyway? did God create us with the purpose of experimenting and understanding how living is like? almost like the ant farms we make, having one and watching the ants build their community; watching how they interact and communicate with others and somehow end. why would He need to know such a thing? He isn't anything like us.

what is today's happiness worth tomorrow. what will these feelings mean to me tomorrow. we will see tomorrow, i guess...since today is just today.

even if i explain it to you, you wouldn't understand.

2010-03-23T05:53:00.007-04:00

there will always be something to figure out for somebody like me. sometimes, people around us do things that make us wonder why they do them. my father has been a smoker since he was 16. despite having a wife who already suffers from multiple diseases and four children that nagged him day and night to quit smoking, he never did. i've always had something against him because he's endangering all of our health. well, now i understand him more. a few months ago i started smoking for multiple reasons, one is to see how hard it is to quit. the addiction is real. the cravings are real. i tried to quit two times...unsuccessful attempts. now i smoke them in the mornings 'cause i get headaches if i don't, i smoke them when i'm walking outside, i smoke them before eating, i smoke them after eating, i smoke them when i'm stressed, i smoke them when i'm bored...and yes, i know the harmful effects of smoking cigarettes.

you can continue to hate smokers...but don't hate them for continuing to smoke, instead hate them for being an idiot and started to smoke in the first place.

this entry of course, isn't about the justification behind smoking. it is about "takes one to know one." if i gained anything from taking puffs out of a cancer stick, it is the perspective of my father. it's difficult to understand certain acts until you do them yourself. i didn't even know i've been so narrow-minded all my life.

i'd consider this a creative way to use a blog entry.

2010-03-03T23:28:00.017-05:00

i don't think you'd be bold enough to question me or talk about it...or maybe it's because i kept refusing to talk about it when you brought it up...oh shit, i did. ma bad. so i just gave myself a longer wait...but this just proves that it wasn't out of impulse and i am willing to wait. anyways, nobody visits this blog 'cept you...and all i have to do is wait until you check for updates again...a few weeks?

i don't want a "no," but i know it probably won't be a "yes" without some sort of discussion. the topics we tend to get into, it's always revolving around that girl and i know it would bring you doubts. the way i react to certain things people say or you say about that girl and the way i act in general, it's a habit. after 2 years it became a part of life, and i never had a reason to quit. we only have so many friends in common and so many things we can talk about because i'm not exactly into pokemon. sometimes she's the only topic that would keep us talking to each other and i like talking to you. i like you. i'm not gonna get too much into details just in case somebody else does secretly lurk around here...

YOU BRING IT UP. D: unless it's a solid no, 'cause then we can just keep up what we have now without anything being said. i kept refusing to talk it over before because i was nervous.

let me rebut, answer and reassure all your accuses, questions and insecurities. i know, i'm gay.

my bubble! don't touch!

2010-03-02T23:04:00.012-05:00

Horoscopes for Tuesday, March 2

IF YOU WERE BORN TODAY: This year, focus on what works both for you and for others. What was suggested in a meeting and/or among friends might not work. Learn to find the unusual solution. Lady Luck is with you as you enter a new 11-year cycle. Count on yourself. You will be much happier as a result. Bone up on your listening and communication skills. If you are single, you are likely to meet several suitors. Have fun choosing "the one." If you are attached, defer to your sweetie more often. Libra helps you focus on basics. - Jacqueline Bigar (From The Star)

you may or may not consider the above as bullshit, but i like to believe in it. i've been told that astrology influence me to the point where it is deemed unhealthy, but...err, as a pisces, i'm not the most decisive person and i need guidance from the stars (and that is probably why it's been deemed unhealthy). i know it's not the most accurate and reliable source...i mean, i've been losing every game of luck and chance when i'm suppose to be the luckiest. there's actually a 13th sign in the zodiac, ophiucus, which was never acknowledged since the ancient times. i'd be an aquarius if it's included which wouldn't fit my personality traits at all. water signs are married to fire signs and are staying married. i know... but when you have nothing left to believe in, nothing left to rely on...you can only grasp for whatever's there willing to guide you. as if it isn't pathetic enough to live by the stars, you people sometimes just have to take that away from me too.

this apply to religions as well. you don't have to believe or practice anything, but don't try to stop others from doing so. don't argue with me that there is no God out there. there's no proof that God exists, there's no proof that He doesn't either. don't be so certain about there being no God, it's narrow-minded of you because it means you can't accept the fact that there might be one. it's like saying homosexuals should be burned because you can't accept the fact that they're the way they are. seriously, what good does it bring you to pick a fight with somebody about something they care about? what if you do win the argument, you just stripped away something precious from that person. good for you.

note* this was typed in two separate days, i didn't want to be all angry on my birthday so i stopped part-way.

dark pasts to bright futures.

2010-02-24T00:17:00.004-05:00

everybody has wished at least once in their lifetime to go back in time and do something other than what they have done. assuming that those who had wished to go back in time once, wished many times to go back in time after every regretable situation. if you can go back, how far back would you go back to?

back in 2004, one of my biggest regret was pulling a knife on some kid and demanding money. yeah, i robbed some fat fuck from my school who carried $1000 USD around for whatever reason. at the time it was the worst thing...being stuck in a cold room for 7 hours waiting for them to process my paper work, bussing and finding the damn court house, meeting up with my probation officer...not to mention all the trouble i brought upon my mother. when i thought things couldn't get any worse, i was told i'm being sent to highland jhs as oppose to don valley where i actually knew a few people.

being arrested and charged is not a regret anymore, something as dreadful as that became a sort of blessing. i'm glad it happened, else all the good things that came after it wouldn't have taken place.

as much as i've always dreamt of traveling back in time...hoping that things might turn out better if i had done it differently...i've finally realized that perhaps i should stop trying to change the past that i cannot change...and look forward to whatever good that may emerge from all the bads...if i had not been expelled, i wouldn't have met all the people i met in my new school...if i hadn't been hurt by people, i wouldn't have found somebody who is more suitable.

playing God.

2010-02-23T02:57:00.003-05:00

how often do you feel angry enough to kill somebody? it's all somewhat new to me, because i used to believe life is precious...all life. heh, but i guess it's all part of growing up, different times for different people; the one moment where we realize those who are not willing to change should be killed off...such as serial killers and rapists. but i won't lie, it wasn't the thought of serial killers that made me realize not everybody should be living. i'm a lot more selfish than that...actually trying to think back, i'm not quite sure what exactly triggered new murderous thoughts in my head...they probably all started with torturing people in my head though. yes, say that i am fucked up. can you swear to God you have never wanted to do something horrible to another fellow human being? if you really haven't, you still have many years ahead of you, you can't say you won't in the fucking future, fuckface.

simply put, i am obsessed with wanting to play God. sometimes, things can be that much easier if some people just stops breathing in this world, at least for me. i don't give a damn about their family and friends if i want the actual person dead. i won't. oh, you care about this dipshit? you can join him in his grave. but killing somebody has a lot of consequences attached to it in this society. letting somebody die doesn't sound like a hard task though.

there's a hamster dying 1.6KM from me. i can save him. but i am not going to because 1) it'd cost me $50, 2) i'd have to go walk in the cold to get him to the vet, 3) i recently removed my wisdom teeth so my face is swollen, 4) a hamster lives for 2 years on average which he isn't long from, 5) it's not my hamster, and 6) a hamster costs $10. who can judge whether these reasons are good enough to not save a life? if i have trouble judging and letting a hamster die...am i really capable of taking a life when an opportunity is provided? haha...

in mid-air, still reaching for rock-bottom.

2010-02-12T02:10:00.013-05:00

we are all very eager to accomplish our goals, to get to where we want go, to attain what we desire...but what happens afterwards? we've got it, reached the highest point, now what? just like "when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up," once you're at the very top, unless you stay at the very top, the only way you can move is down.

now i'd like to quote from a movie:

"Liar! Liar, Liar, Liar! You've all got your heads up your assholes because love is. It just is and nothing you can say can make it go away because it is the point of why we are here, it is the highest point and once you are up there, looking down on everyone else, you're there forever. Because if you move, right, you fall. You fall." - Paulie (Lost and Delirious).

one of the quotes that made an impression on me since i watched the movie years ago...

when you fall, would you rather fall downwards gradually, looking back to the steps you took to reach the highest point? or just blink and be on ground level again?

it's cruel to have so much time to think when you're falling. to desperately find something to hang onto. staring at the stairs remembering the good times which aren't within reach anymore...God, fuck. i'd much rather open my eyes and find myself back to where i first started. angry that it's over all of a sudden but heck, i had a fine time at the top and i didn't have to experience a period of feeling shittier and shittier every day. but it's not like we can choose.

i r special. 8D

2010-01-30T01:42:00.010-05:00

this entry is...really just a rant. a very unreasonable, and frustrating rant...one that nobody would accept, not even myself. LOL

but...why, damnit. why do they matter when you already have me? why am i not enough to convince you? why am i on the same level as them? i'm suppose to be special...you told me i am. but i'm not special enough, right? special but not special enough to make a difference in your life. not special enough to have my opinion cancel out the other's...why do you need to know if they're going or not? the fact that i'm going is enough. why does their opinion matter so much more? why do you need them to confirm my opinion? why can't you trust my judgement? why can't you trust me? you said i'm special. you also said they're special. liar. how fucking special can i be if i'm not the only one who's special? i'm not special, i'm just a special case. a situation you can't get out of, right? a bother to you...why can't you just say it? why can't you just stop being so selfish and confront me. why must you hurt me so much just so you don't have to feel shitty about yourself? i don't want to hear it; you don't want to say it, but it'd be for the better...for both of us. why can't you care enough to make it happen. i can't do it because i continue to hold onto a pile of hot steamy shit even after knowing it's fucking shit.

lol, a whole new meaning to the phrase, "you're not special, you're just stupid," eh?

i thank you for thanking me.

2010-01-14T02:33:00.005-05:00

just the basic basic manners, "please" and "thank you".

that girl rarely uses these words, and apparently she's quite proud of it whenever we point that out. "..." why are you proud of not even having the most basic manners of our society?

it may seem pointless to add those words into your sentences because you don't neccessarily need them to get your message across, but it's part of being polite. and no, it is not pointless to be polite because that is part of being civilized. i fear that one day, all the "hand that to me, please?" would turn into, "fucking hand that shit over!"...and the latter is being heard more and more frequently by my ears.

same goes for thank you's...say it, and mean it. none of you have statuses that are so high up there that you deserve to be served and given things without saying your thanks. i mean, even the Greek Gods and Goddesses express their thank you's towards their sacrifices by protecting the people or granting their wishes. the fuck do you think you are not expressing gratitude? even in a situation where the person insists, if they are in some way giving up something of theirs for you, thank them. even if you don't need it or maybe you don't even want it...if you take it, you have to say thank you. be it their time, money, or the obvious, gifts.

i know most people do thank and use please when requesting for assistance, but there are still too many who don't. if you're one of them, please start trying. these simple manners are good habits that could possibly take you a long way in the future. please start, and i thank you for doing so.

befriend them because they are bitches.

2010-01-13T00:24:00.002-05:00

there are many reasons to become friends with somebody besides wanting their company. be it an increase of popularity, increase of chances to pass a course, increase of freeloading opportunities...increase of potentiality to become more than just a friend to that friend or to that friend's friend...etc.

i won't go in circles for this one. sometimes the friends you try your hardest to befriend are the ones who are friends with the person you like. if you are friends with their friends, even if they dislike you, their friends would help you out. but if you're not friends with their friends, and it's their friends who dislike you, they'd talk shit behind your back. even if the one you like was okay with you, it won't be easy to hangout together since they'd have other obligations such as hanging out with their friends who doesn't like you. not to mention all the convincing on their friends' part telling them you're a terrible person and isn't worth the time. the err...princess is just a girl, it's the guard dogs you should worry about.

i belittled that girl's meager sausage fest at first, thinking they can't possibly have as much influence as...well...me. plus, we already had mutual friends we can hang out with as a group. but haha, what the fuck. it was a bit late when i noticed the amount of control they actually have on that girl's thoughts and actions. they are actually capable of making an impression of what kind of person i am, encouraging her to not give a shit, and getting her to choose them over me. this isn't even a case where i am not friends with the person i like, in fact, i like to think we're slightly more than just friends and...well, that's the moral of this entry. be friends with their friends, don't even think that you don't have to because you're already so cozy inside the castle with that shithead princess. those fucking bitches can still bite your ass.

yes, i am very bitter because i tried quite hard to befriend them as soon as i noticed the amount of power they have. but because this world is so damn unfair sometimes, the harder you try the farther you may get from your goal.

reminiscences of the past

2010-01-12T00:17:00.004-05:00

as teenagers, it is only normal to be changing over time, having our mind and body...and soul strive towards maturity. even as humans, it is common for us to be constantly improving ourselves or adapting to the changes around us. these adjustments are so gradual or maybe it's because everybody are at such a similar pace that we never really notice it happening, until that one day we look back into the past. digging through the fading memories then comparing the person we find in there with the one present, not necessarily ourselves.

in many occasions, we don't notice how different the person in front of us may be compared to when we first met them until we consciously pull out those memories. it isn't up to us to judge whether the changes were for better or for worse. it isn't up to us to prevent them from changing anymore. i'm a hypocrite. but as much as i wish to revive somebody of the past, my efforts would be wasted. they came to be who they are because they would rather be like this than how they were before, whatever the reason. i can't force them to trace their steps back to where they started, you probably can't either. knowing so urged me to find another way to get what i want. i will go back in time where that girl was much more pure and innocent, back when i was too. we're capable of too much now; the complex thinking, cruel intentions, concrete opinions...etc. i miss the times when every small thing can make me happy and everybody is nice; life was so much simpler. sucks though, 'cause a working time machine hasn't been invented yet.

selfish people are selfish.

2010-01-11T05:31:00.019-05:00

we are all selfish people, driven by our own self-interests. there is no such thing as selflessness; within selflessness is just self-interest to get this self-satisfying feeling for the self, hence is really just selfishness in disguise.

you may argue that it is not true, and i wouldn't know how the true selfless people think. you're absolutely right, i'm not a mind reader. i don't know their thoughts, but aren't their intentions obvious if you just "think" about it even for a little bit? if people actually read this, some are probably going to get offended by this entry, but i'm not blogging without expecting flamers. anyways, listing what society would consider selfless: donating our money to charity, volunteering our time to help others, earning money for the sake of our family, giving up portions of our food to somebody else, sacrificing our sleep to watch over a friend's belongings, taking a hit for our buddy, enduring agonizing misery to set our beloved free...yes, they are all very generous acts bringing joy or comfort to those around us.

but why would anybody do those things?

"these homeless teens didn't plan on becoming homeless, they deserve better." "i want to make a difference in this community." "my family is depending on me, i cannot let them down." "they need it more than i do." "i'd rather not hear them whine about missing stuff in the morning." "Jesus did the same for me." "if it makes them happy."

all this bullshit is pretty much translating to, "i feel good inside," and "what else can i do?"

all those self-righteous acts are nothing more than a way for us to achieve self-satisfaction and self-reassurance. if anything, we are "using" these exact people we've been selflessly attending to, as if they're chess pieces, to selfishly set up situations where we can gain self-value. we do good deeds so we can feel good about ourselves because: 1) we did something decent, 2) people will like us for it, and 3) we are needed and of value.

well, i am wrong when i said we only submit to charitable feats to gain something in the end. sometimes, we do it because there are simply no other option besides being "self-sacrificing". if i inevitably have to go through a certain degree of suffering, why not glorify it? i will tell the world i'm sacrificing myself for them, that i'm letting them go so they can find happiness elsewhere. how selfless i've become, eh? it's that or pathetically beg them to stay with me and give me another chance. the results would be the same either way; their feelings for me won't magically reappear, and we will not be getting back together. so why not make myself sound better?

i am not proud of spitting out such accusations, neither am i justifying selfishness nor discouraging positive social interactions. no matter how much you're gaining, committing acts of kindness will still spread goodness in this world.

i guess i only typed this because i finally realized how wrong i was to think i was selfless. i thought i sacrificed everything for that girl but i really did it for myself. i thought i was living for her. no...i was living for myself, i just didn't know. i am selfish but so is everybody else. as that girl put it, "misery likes company." also, i won't lie; even under a situation where the end results are identical, i cannot bring myself to walk on the more glorifying path.

caring too much and not caring enough

2010-01-10T01:29:00.010-05:00

what do you think is easier to do: to stop caring or to start caring?

i don't know about you, but when i asked that girl this question, she answered to stop caring. fair enough, i mean she and probably a lot of other people had experiences with simply not being able to care about somebody or something no matter how much they wish they did, hence it seems easier to stop caring than to start caring. but if you do care about something or somebody, can you really ever stop caring? say, a son did some terrible things and moved out. his parents declared that they won't give a shit about him anymore even if he dies. what are the chances that they actually won't be the ones arranging for his funeral if he does, unfortunately, die?

it isn't easy to start caring for something that you just don't care about, unless the circumstances change and start to involve things/people that you do care about. even then, you're only caring because of what you do care about already. to stop caring isn't easy either, if the parents actually doesn't arrange or attend their son's funeral, they probably never really cared about him. if you can easily convince yourself to stop caring, you probably never cared to begin with. you were just obligated to pretend you cared even to yourself because of your morals and what not, i accuse.

so which one is easier? they're both the same in difficulty...infact, i dare say it's near impossible to achieve neither of them, because you either care or you don't. that's what i told that girl. she told me i think too much...can't argue that. i'd stop caring about you and start caring for somebody else...if i get to choose.

i don't want a dream come true.

2010-01-09T02:27:00.011-05:00

fate and destiny: as cheesy as a first entry can get...i'm a bit anxious, haha.

but you know, we're talking about the predetermined events in life. to those who believe in it, and those who think it just might exist...have you ever been toyed around with by whoever determined these? like maybe one day your religious leader (if you are religious) looks wide-eyed at you and claims what your fate is, or a crazy hobo doing the same...perhaps you had a dream and normally your dreams come true, or maybe you just went to a fortune teller...well, one way or another you found out that something you won't like is going to happen in the near future, and you're not sure what to do about it.

so yeah, what should you do? "if i do this, they might have predicted that i would do it, so i should try to be unpredictable and do that instead...wait, what if they predicted that i'd do that instead of this? so i should just do this...or maybe they predicted i'd..." you realize then that no matter how complex your thinking is, "fate" probably already predicted what you would do. it's playing a cruel game with you, giving you a glimpse behind the curtains just so you'd waste time worrying about the show.

now what? do you just sit there and watch it happen or should you challenge what is destined?

i'm stuck. i had a dream, call me crazy, but almost all of my dreams become part of reality. this dream is already taking its form, my -ship with that girl got tested again today. i'm unsure as to whether i should deliberately try to change it or just be ignorant of it. maybe i should just pretend nothing bad is going to happen...if i try to do something to nullify it, and it turns out to be a big part of making it happen, i'd be damned. but how can anybody really just ignore? isn't that equivalent to accepting defeat? i don't want a dream come true...not this one at least.